broken

"And with the setting sun goes our dreams, to return, ever brighter do come the morn."

    - Dwight C. Erthenwall

-broken-

 

On January 4th, 2013 my brother, Raphael, passed away. He was twenty-three. He had been in the I.C.U. of the same hospital I'm at.  After six long hard working weeks; set back after setback; an ever present determination in his eyes; my constantly positive and uplifting CF buddy had one more setback - a severe lung bleed. To my knowledge, after that (and the procedures to try and fix it) he couldn't stay fully awake; then he fell asleep and never really woke up again; a little while later they knew for sure he wasn't going to make it.  It's so unfair. It's so unreal. My heart is broken; our world shattered.

This poem has been running through my mind ever since...:

 

"When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."

        -John Keats

 

                Rafe was a good man.  The world has lost a talented writer, a genius, an amazing brother, devoted son, loving friend, determined director, and one hilarious comedian. He was such a kind, sensitive, funny, brilliant, encouraging, sarcastic, and loving man.  He was a good listener; giving uplifting words and advice whenever he could.  He was stubborn; he was a romantic.  He was positive and determined.  He loved with his whole heart; dreamed with all his might; fought with admirable strength.  We all are grieving him, each in our own way... for he made us all feel special.  He loved everyone fully and uniquely.  He was full of life; so full of life...

            His unfinished/unwritten stories & poems are our loss.  His random lengthy thoughts, his daily clever Facebook statuses (giving us our laugh for the day) will be dearly missed.  He is truly loved, more than he ever knew; and deeply missed. Our lives will never be the same again; for there's an emptiness, a hole, in all our hearts.

He died with our family surrounding him.  Most of us were able to be there.  We were holding him; comforting him. We sang to him, told him we loved him, kissed his forehead, ran our fingers through his hair... we were there until his very last breath. And my mother, bless her, was with him every minute of his sickness.  She was by his side the entire six weeks; she's been by our sides all our lives.  She is the most amazing woman I will ever meet; and I am proud and honored to call her my mother.

It's comforting knowing he is with Jesus (really breathing for the first time); it angers me, because it feels he was taken way too soon; it hurst more than I can describe, because we are still here on earth and far from arm's length.  How I wish I could hear his laugh again; hear his voice again. How I wish I could hold him; my dear brother.  I love him. I miss him; I always will... until we meet again.
            That's all I can say for now.

 

My love,

                ~Julie Jean

(my dear brother Rafe)

 

p.s. I love you forever. I like you always. As long as I'm living...