~simple delight~
(me and my dearest)
Sometimes I stop and realize... I am breathing without supplemental oxygen. I'd gotten so used to wearing that canula on my nose and face for so long; for a second, sometimes, I feel for it - and it isn't there. I find myself smiling at that fact... it opens a new door for me. To feel confident; to feel pretty... it's something I haven't experienced in quite a while. To dress up in pretty dresses, or cute outfits, wearing the funky clothes I love - without having to feel it was pointless because the only thing anyone would notice was the tubes and the oxygen...
Not that anyone who wears oxygen is not pretty... I'm just talking personally, I feel much more confident without tubes hanging off my face and without having to lug around a huge tank everywhere I go. It was a small cross that now has been lifted - praise God.
I remember the looks of "I wonder what's wrong with her?" or just the blank faces of children (which always kind of made me laugh - because they'd look at me and then I'd smile and they'd smile and shy away ;) I was stopped and asked by grown adults, "Why are you wearing oxygen? You're awfully young." A part of me wanted to say, "None of your business," but the Christian side of me just stood there and, in a nutshell, explained my story. I have even been stopped in shops or other random places (like antique stores or the grocery store) and was asked by total strangers if they could pray for me - hey the more prayers the better. ;) One woman asked and then took my hand and prayed with me right then and there for several minutes. I was taken back by those prayerful moments, but also touched by the kindness of their hearts.
Now, I still wear a mask and sometimes gloves out in public... but seriously, who cares?! It's a step up for me... people may think I'm a freaked out of germs, but that's ok... I guess I kinda have to be. ;) And now that I have my wig (yes - I finally got my wig because I have been losing my hair!) I feel even more confident. And, you know, the wig is actually the EXACT hairstyle I've always wanted! Woot!
In many ways, no matter how difficult it is to admit, I am grateful for the experience to be "the sick girl," the one with health problems, the girl people "notice" in the crowd - and not because she's drop dead gorgeous. ;) It was humbling. It made me view life on that side. My CF used to be simpler (in this situation); it used to be the "invisible" disease... at first glance people didn't know I was sick. If they got to know me, yeah, they'd figure it out. ;) But not to people just walking about in public... until I went on oxygen; then everyone could tell something was wrong. It made me feel ugly for a while; embarrassed... it made me wonder what my husband (then boyfriend/fiance/husband) saw in me. It made me sad. To be honest, I hated it... and thought it was unfair. At first I didn't want to go anywhere, because I was too embarrassed and thought I looked "weird."
After a while, I did get used to it; grew a backbone; and just got over it... and decided to live life without caring what others thought. I'd say it made me even more stubborn than I already was... When I got those "looks" I thought, "Who gives a shit..." and sometimes made a face back at them (in a funny way, not mean)... or just smiled at them until they realized what they were doing. ;) When I was stopped by someone who wanted to pray; I was grateful... and I prayed right along with them. Yeah, sometimes it was embarrassing... but it was life; it was my situation; it was a complete stranger reaching out for me - and I should be touched; and I was. Sometimes if I was just asked bluntly by someone what was wrong, I was tempted to make some random crazy story up just to be funny... but that's lying, so I never did. Ha! ;)
I was proposed to while on oxygen; I was married while on oxygen; I learned to be happy, even though I had to wear oxygen. I had my gloomy days where I was fed up with it, yes, but in essence... it was life and just something I had to deal with. And, though, I never thought it would happen... I don't have to deal with it anymore... that, in itself, is a miracle for me.
I am grateful for the experience. It has made me more sensitive and understanding of those in similar situations. Whether in a wheelchair; wearing a mask and gloves; wearing oxygen; or whatever it is... we are still sensitive, loving, individuals... who don't want to be stared at but talked to, and not treated any differently than anyone else - we want to live life as normally as we can - and we do to the best of our ability. And, like I said before, it made me a much more stubborn person; taking life as it comes... which I think it good.
Even though that simple cross as been lifted - I never want to forget it. It has taught me so much... I hope to always retain that sensitivity and that understanding - and be there for others who are going through the same thing.
I know I should have always felt confident, even in times of struggle, but I'm just telling you how it is... how I felt. And I know I'll still have my moments of low self-confidence, everyone does... but in essence, in the whole of it all, I feel I can be pretty again. I hope that doesn't sound vain... more like I just feel blessed. ;) It blows me away that I am walking around (doing regular normal things) without supplemental oxygen; without running out of breath. After two years; all I can say is "Thank You, Lord," for this chance at life... breathing with these precious lungs. I shall treasure them as the gift they truly are... forever and ever. Amen.
This is a random post, I know... but it's what I am feeling right now - as I got ready for church; wearing a pretty dress, funky earrings, and my purple boots... the style I love - the style I think is fun... made me realize... I am happy; I am thankful for this simple delight.
Much love,
~Julie Jean
No comments:
Post a Comment